Black women are notorious for our innate “hustle mentality.” In this era of the modern young adult woman, work almost always comes first by default. But it’s not easy to constantly balance life’s demands. It’s one thing that I need to worry about juggling multiple cases and filing motions within tight deadlines, but I also have to make time for my personal life and basic needs—working out, doing laundry, managing my budget, spending time with my man, keeping a clean living space, hanging out with friends and family, etc. I can’t imagine how some women are even able to manage school, kids, and/or even pets on top of all that. (I can’t even keep plants alive!).
We often struggle with internalized criticism for not meeting or exceeding expectations we set for ourselves. Creating these impossible standards can lead to doubt in our capabilities. When left unchecked, we can spiral into feelings of unworthiness and incapability. Without a system in place to check on our physical, mental, and emotional health, we’re susceptible to stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses.
That’s why it can make all the difference to have habits in place that allow you to regularly assess your wellbeing. In other words, check yourself before your wreck yourself.
I began prioritizing self-care in law school, when stress and anxiety reared their ugly heads the most. Since then, I’ve continued seeking new ways to be patient with my work and personal life circumstances no matter how stressful or uncertain they get.
When work and life come at you hard, here are five ways to find relief from demanding responsibilities and revitalize your inner peace.
Disclaimer: I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. My suggestions and advice do not replace the care of psychologists, doctors or other healthcare professionals.
1. Stop criticizing yourself
One of my girlfriends sent me a video of author Louise Hay talking about ten steps on how to love yourself (you can listen to it on YouTube). The very first step she spoke on was a complete revelation to me: never criticize yourself again.
Unfortunately, my brain has been hardwired to the frequency of all things negative. With the prevalence of gun violence, I’ve become hyperaware of my surroundings and exceedingly anxious about the safety of loved ones. I’ve also been struggling with insecurities about my physical appearance since I started gaining weight in the past couple of years. My brain is always on “go,” and sometimes I don’t even realize when my inner thoughts snowball from one negative remark into another; it’s practically second nature to me.
As much as we’re reminded to speak positivity over our lives, it’s hard to constantly stay in a cheerful headspace. If maintaining a clear, optimistic mind is challenging, try to silence any internal thoughts that sound remotely harmful. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine your mind as a completely empty space. Replace pessimistic thoughts with an affirmation, like “I’m at perfect peace with who I am and how I am.” Keep repeating your affirmation to yourself until you forget the negative thoughts you had. Shutting out any judgmental or disapproving feelings is a great way to exercise patience and accept shortcomings as a part of life. This can also lead to vast improvements in your mental health, self-love, and your outlook on life altogether.
2. Turn off work at a certain time each day
If your job is a significant source of stress and demands a majority of your time and energy, set a hard-stop time to unplug and unwind each day. Once the clock hits 4:30 PM Eastern Daylight Time, I refrain from responding to any emails, returning any phone calls, or drafting any motions (that aren’t immediately due) until the following workday. Believe it or not, the work that you don’t finish will be there when you come back to it.
Unfortunately, it’s not always practical to drop everything at a certain time every day, especially when it comes to teleworking/remote work. The comfort of living and working in the same space can complicate how you partition your time. Limiting your work hours may also be difficult if you’re in a demanding field that necessitates 60+ hours of work every week. But even in those occupations, it’s just as (if not more) important to set aside “me time,” even if it’s just once a month. If your job puts you in high demand, try to elect a specific day each week to power down a little earlier than you normally would. Logging off at 5 PM even just once a week if you normally work late into the night can make a world of difference to your peace of mind.
The sooner you commit to setting boundaries at work, the faster your energy and stress levels will recover. Better yet, learning to step away from work early on in your career can help you sustain the added pressure that comes with promotions, greater responsibilities, and bigger job titles as you excel. Overall, distinguishing the boundary between work time and personal time can be very impactful in improving your mental health and productivity.
3. Take time off for “Decompressor Days”
If you have the paid time off to spare and designating a cutoff point in your workday isn’t practical (or even if it is), take a day off once or twice a month to completely get away from the hustle and bustle and do things you enjoy. Whether that means treating yourself to your favorite meal, a spa day, a good book, your favorite Netflix shows, or even sleep, you deserve to indulge in life’s comforts. Besides, what’s the point of working so hard if you can’t enjoy the payoff! Remember, the work will be there when you get back. And your mind and body will thank you.
4. Measure progress and performance, not just end dates and deadlines
It’s important to strive to be our best selves, but setting strict numerical goals in our personal lives can cause unnecessary stress and self-criticism when we try to meet deadlines that aren’t realistic for our lifestyle (not to mention, the deadlines we have at work are daunting enough). Instead of pushing too hard to achieve personal goals by a certain date, establish open-ended goals that allow you to measure your progress. This approach can help you develop appreciation for your accomplishments and reduce the risk of disappointment if you don’t meet your own expectations.
This is something I only recently started doing with my weight loss goals. I’m really big on numbers, and I’m quick to decide that I want to lose a few pounds before an upcoming vacation or special occasion. It’s all fun and games until I realize a week before my goal date that I’ve changed nothing about my eating habits or exercise routine to see any real results. These days, I’m working on accepting my health and wellness as a journey. I still fret about how much I weigh, but now I pay more attention to how much I eat and my progress in weightlifting (which still involves numbers, but more pleasant ones). Refocusing my approach this way enables me to take pride in what my body can do and the healthy choices I make. It also reduces internalized pressure of being a particular weight or looking a certain way.
You can apply the same strategy to work-related goals. Most employers set qualitative goals to assess employee performance. When it comes to job evaluations, try to keep a record of your achievements. Update it monthly with the projects you’ve worked on and highlight your efforts in meeting your career objectives. Not only will you be better prepared for your performance reviews, but you will gain a sense of accomplishment in the exceptional work you do and see the progress you’ve made in crafting your professionalism.
5. Attend therapy regularly
Therapy is one of life’s most rewarding resources. I’ve been in therapy on and off since college, and I usually leave my sessions with a reclaimed sense of wellbeing and emotional stability. Therapy can serve different purposes throughout your life and also keep you accountable of your mental and emotional health. Talking to a trustworthy specialist can be freeing and very healing when it comes to managing life’s responsibilities.
How often you attend sessions is entirely up to you; whether it’s once a week, once a month, or even once every other month. I tend to increase my session frequency when I deal with pressing situations, then cut back to a “maintenance level” of once a month when my anxiety is at bay. Many providers offer virtual sessions to better accommodate their patients’ availability. Sessions may also be covered in part or entirely by health insurance (all the more reason to take advantage of it).
It’s important to find a therapist that you feel supported by and connected with. Every therapist employs different methods to help their clients, so a good rule of thumb is to check in with yourself after every few sessions to determine if you feel understood by your therapist and if their recommendations have helped you improve in the ways you want to. If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend exploring therapy as a viable option to release, destress, and revitalize your mental and emotional mechanisms.
If you’re looking for a therapist and/or cost-friendly therapy options, Free Black Therapy and Therapy for Black Girls offer affordable mental health resources and information on Black therapists. Faithful Counseling offers Christian-oriented therapy services.
There’s no right or wrong way to manage personal care. What matters is that we prioritize our mental health and wellbeing as much as possible. By implementing conscientious habits, we can create an effective wellness system to preserve our inner peace and live a vibrant life.
What are some ways you manage stress? Share in the comments below!
